The Heckler's Guide to the Seton Hall Pirates

More like "S**tty" Hall, am I right? I'll be here all week. Maybe I should stop relying on Brick Tamland for my jokes. Believe it or not, that name does not hold true this year. The Hall is actually good this year, owning a 17-7 record and sitting tied for 3rd in the Big East and spawning their student fans to dress up as "Rock Lobsters" for their home games at the Prudential Center (AKA "The Rock.) Given this blog’s desperate need for content in the dog days of this miserable season, I figured I’d give people a guide full of suggestions on potential ways to channel and vent their frustration. Why not take out your anger on Seton Hall?

Why Seton Hall is Terrible- A Refresher

Seton Hall has actually been historically terrible. After a seven-year stretch in the late 1980s and early 1990s in which noted Latrell Sprewell choking victim P.J. Carlesimo "put a little mustard" on the Pirates squad and guided them to six NCAA Tournament appearances, including one appearance in the National Championship game. But partly because the Hall have only made three NCAA tournament appearances since Carlesimo left in 1994, and none since 2006, it means that Seton Hall has never really been too much of a rival to the Hoyas. Sure, both are original Big East members, but nobody really bothered to create an intense rivalry.

But let’s give it a shot today! A quick look at a list of Seton Hall alums provides us with Dennis Kozlowski, the former CEO of Tyco notoriously convicted for looting $100 million from his company, New Jersey governor and noted bridge closer Chris Christie, and everybody’s favorite ESPN college hoops announcer SLAM JAM BAM THE ELEVATOR MAN! THE PRIME TIME PERFORMER DICKIE V! AWESOME BABY! (True story: I actually used to have a Dick Vitale alarm clock when I was about ten years old. Just hearing it made me frantically dive out of bed to turn it off each morning. The scarring effect it left on me is enough alone to make me hate Seton Hall.) Plus, as a reminder, they are the only Big East team from New Jersey. I happen to love New Jersey so I’m not going to outline all the things that are terrible about it, but the Jersey-themed jokes write themselves, so feel free to be creative.

The Actual Guide

So who do you need to watch out for on this team? There’s been a fair amount of turnover considering that last year when we beat Seton Hall, we ended up setting off a powder keg that led to former guard Jaren Sina announcing his immediate departure from the team.

One of the instigators of the conflict, guard Isaiah Whitehead, seems like a good place for this guide to start. Whitehead, a product of Abraham Lincoln High School in Coney Island, Brooklyn (a high school with alums ranging from Neil Diamond and Harvey Keitel to Stephon Marbury and Sebastian Telfair), currently leads the Pirates in scoring with 16.6 points per game and also adds 4.9 assists per game. Whitehead also supposedly came to Seton Hall last year with his own personal posse that supposedly instigated much of the tension that plagued The Hall last season. Whitehead may eventually end up in the NBA, but even NBA prospects watch Grey’s Anatomy. Why not shout spoilers at him or tell him that Scandal is a better Shonda Rhimes-produced show?

Another Brooklynite guard and Whitehead posse member, Khadeen Carrington, has helped the team by scoring 13.8 points per game, but we can see that he is quite emotionally moved by DJ Khaled’s Snapchat story (and apologies to the older readers who do not know what I’m talking about. Just bear with me and maybe read this.) Just wait for him to turn the ball over or miss a shot and tell him "Congratulations, you played yourself" or ask him for "another one."

Watch out for forward Angel Delgado, who averages nearly a double-double per night, with 10.5 points and 9.9 rebounds per game. The Dominican big man shoots over 58 percent from the field because he tends to score up close to the basket. He apparently thinks people care about what watch you wear because it indicates your style. Although seriously, how many twenty year-olds do you know who even wear a watch?

Another important contributor to the Pirates is Ismael Sanogo, who averages 4.9 points and 7.3 rebounds per game. I don’t think I even need to share any tweets or Instagram posts here. Just make fun of him because his name sounds a lot like the gas station Sunoco. Ask him for free gas or point out his pump fakes, hell, even ask him if he pumps his own gas (he does play in Jersey after all, where self-service is banned.)

And finally, a quick word about coach Kevin Willard. Respect to him for letting Tyler Adams slam home the first two points of last year’s game, but since we’re playing against him now this year, time to gently make fun of him. He is a former assistant to Louisville coach and former Jim Boeheim assistant Rick Pitino, who if you may recall, was recently found to have allowed prostitutes to play roles in his recruiting efforts. Who knows if Willard learned a thing or two from Pitino, so maybe just stick to making fun of him for looking like Mr. Clean just saw a ghost.

Happy Heckling! May the Hoyas win and make your hoarse voice tomorrow morning worth it!