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The Casual Awards: The Bill Walton Edition

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NCAA Basketball: Maui Invitational-Oregon at Georgetown Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Hi guys! While you were casually recovering from one of the worst weeks in the history of Georgetown’s storied basketball program, we were savoring those tasty little Reese’s pieces INSIDE the peanut butter cups. For real. They were delicious. Next time you embark on another existential crisis, take a deep breath and stuff some peanut butter goodness down your pie hole and get on with your terrible lives. Also, Georgetown beat Oregon in the first round of the Maui Invitational.

Before our inevitable letdown against the Badgers tomorrow, please enjoy these BILL WALTON-THEMED casual awards. Because, after the week you’ve had, you f*cking deserve them.

The “Blowholes Are The Greatest” Award:

Let’s just get this out of the way: Bill Walton sounded like he was high as sh*t during this game, and provided a two-hour long running endorsement for why marijuana should be legalized in all fifty states.

The “I Love Turtles” and “I Love Hummus” Awards:

Bill Walton. Because he loves turtles. And he loves hummus. And he told us these things during the second half of a college basketball game on Monday afternoon.

I think I know why he likes turtles so much, by the way...

The Chris Wright Heart of a Champion Award:

Bill Walton. I mean, look. It’s true that our guy Rodney Pryor scored 26 points, including 18 in a monster first half. And he even pulled down ten boards and blocked four shots. But Bill Walton just took his color commentary duties to another level. Rodney was hitting off-balance buzzer-beating threes, but Billy was other-worldly.

Alright, from here on out, we’re just going straight quotes. [And yes, we did re-watch the whole damn game in the interest of thoroughness. You’re welcome.]

“We get to see it all through the lenses of our Maui Jim glasses.”

It’s hard to believe, but this fool watched our Hoyas while wearing his goofy sunglasses FOR THE WHOLE GAME. His eyes were obviously bloodshot, so it’s understandable, but who the hell watches basketball games while wearing shades? Bill Walton. That’s who.

I wish we all had freaking sunglasses (and whatever herbal enhancement Bill is rolling with in Maui) while we suffered through those two horrific losses to Maryland and Arkansas State last week. Dammit. They still sting.

“When you think Georgetown, you think pride, you think dignity, you think toughness, you think full court press, incredible athleticism…”

What you don’t think of is chucking your shoe at the basketball to try and block a shot, but Bill Walton once tried this, because, well, Bill Walton.

Anyway, ain’t nothin’ wrong with this quote. It’s just true. And let’s give credit where credit is due. In the first half of this game, your Georgetown Hoyas played like grown-ass men. They played defense like they’re supposed to play defense and limited Oregon to just 7 of 29 from the floor. And for the first time all season, they hit the glass hard. Govan, Peak and especially Pryor stepped up against a much bigger Oregon frontcourt to pull down defensive boards.

“[JTIII] told us yesterday in practice that ‘[they] are going to have a very good season.’”

I don’t know what that quote means, but I guess I like the optimism? Just do me a favor-- next time we squander a 17 point second half lead, please think about calling a timeout. Ok, thanks.

“Oh please. How can that be a foul? Look, if you dribble away from the basket and run into the guy’s knee who’s standing there, how can that be a foul on the defender? Please.….Get some Maui Jim glasses, so you can see clearly.”

Exactly. Thank you, Bill. Copeland, like so many other Hoyas, has been assessed ticky-tack fouls that belong in your father’s ACC. Let the kids play, refs. Seriously. Stop blowing the whistles.

And speaking of Copeland, I think it’s time for you to stop sandbagging us, my dude. Two points on 1 of 8 shooting and three boards ain’t gonna cut it. We know you can play with confidence. We’ve seen it. Now let’s see it consistently every night.

“In the state of Oregon, where they just had the rainiest October in history. Oh my gosh. You hope that rain does not turn into tears for the Conference of Champions today.”

I have no idea what any of this means. I’m just happy we won.

“Georgetown is playing more explosively. They’re the ones who are the volcano; they’re the ones who are simmering. The cauldron, the fire. They’ve not only come to play, they’ve come to fight.”

This is just true. Say what you want about JTIII’s perceived lack of emotion. After two terrible, horrible, disgusting, atrocious losses last week, and an absurdly long trip on an aeroplane, our guys were clearly ready to play today.

My concern, though, is that we still don’t have much of a half court offense. We allegedly have three point guards, but really, we don’t have any point guards. No one can break the press, no one can consistently hit perimeter shots (including Mosely, who has yet to hit a single perimeter shot this season), and no one can create offense on a regular basis. (By the way, Mulmore only played four minutes against Oregon. Not sure why.)

It’s a long season, so we’ll see what happens; but right now, it looks like we have no semblance of a half court offense. We have some pretty good individual basketball from Pryor and Peak, with a decent full-court press, but we need to see more cohesiveness, fellas. I did like the passion in that first half, though. So thanks.

Unrelated, this is from Bill Walton’s Reddit AMA re: ever being near an exploding volcano:

We were on tour with the Grateful Dead in Oregon. They were playing the show and they start playing Fire on the Mountain. The volcano next door, Mt. Helens, blows up. When the show was over a bunch of us raced to the airport and boarded a plane. We told people at the airport we were scientists studying atmospheric conditions and the effect of smoke and volcanic explosions on the human spirit, so the pilot was terrified, but we convinced him to fly right into the smoking crater with fire and lava everywhere. He wanted to go home but we were on a scientific mission and we kept getting closer and closer. As we were flying around inside the erupting volcano, the military jets scrambled from the local base and come up there to get us out of there. It was a real dogfight but we had the spirit of Cortez on our side. We eventually left and when we landed at the airport the pilot was most relieved as we quickly fled and went back to the rest of the tour.

“Play on. Let’s go.”

Seriously, zebras. Stop calling so many damn fouls.

“L.J. Peak. Gaffney, South Carolina. You ever been there? (I have not.) You need to get out more, Roxy.”

NCAA Basketball: Maui Invitational-Oregon at Georgetown Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Why yes, Bill, our guy L.J. is from Frank Underwood’s hometown, and he chipped in with a sweet little 17 points, six rebounds and four assists. Most importantly for Peak, he stayed on the court for 38 minutes. We need Peak on the court because we desperately need his offense this year. We were happy to see that he didn’t pick up those cheap early fouls against Oregon.

“To see this guy play, I understand why everyone’s raving about him.”

“Pryor has been the best individual player in this game of stars.”

“Milk Pryor here. The guy is on fire. He is a volcano.”

Thanks, Bill! We like Rodney, too. He was big in the first half. And that flurry of shots in the last few minutes before the break was sensational.

But the inconsistency is a little concerning. We were more impressed by the rebounds and defense than the scoring. Let’s hope he keeps it up. His absence during most of our games against Maryland and Arkansas State was a big reason why we lost. He still needs to learn how to get his points in the rhythm of our offense.

Seriously, read his AMA answer again. It’s majestic.

“Big time player, Bradley Hayes. And also, no Marcus Derrickson.”

Yeah, we really shouldn’t overlook our lack of frontcourt depth. There’s no excuse for blowing that lead against Maryland, or for losing to that dinky little Arkansas school. But the reality is that, without Rutherford and MD, we are really thin up front. Against Oregon, we basically just had Govan and Agau.

We should be a lot better once Bradley returns, but the Derrickson news is troubling, to say the least. Having never fully recovered from that (knee?) injury during Kenner League, Derrickson did not make the trip to Maui. He is, at best, not yet in game shape and, at worst, about to receive a red shirt and be done for the year. Given how good he looked in the offseason, and how much we really need his help in the frontcourt, we all hope and pray that the Doctor is healthy.

“You have to have the mindset of the champion….When you’re the best, you define the terms of the conflict. You make them play your game. And that’s what the Georgetown Hoyas are doing right now....best basketball I’ve seen this year, Georgetown in the first half.”

This is just absurd.

“You ever been to Robert Morris University?….I have. Robert Morris. He’s an original signer of the Declaration of Independence. Not only did he sign the Declaration of Independence. He personally financed the Revolutionary War.”

WTF? Bill Walton is a fountain of awesome trivia.

“I have confirmed that he is not Richard Pryor’s son.”

Thanks?

“This is as great a basketball performance as I’ve seen this year.”

Let’s not get carried away, Bill. But yeah, we enjoyed that first half too.

BUT, OMG CAN WE PLEASE LEARN HOW TO BREAK A PRESS AND KEEP A LEAD?

“Georgetown’s playing as if this game is already over. [But] this game has just started….Staggering turn of events here.”

Ugh. Stop ruining our lives and learn how to maintain leads, dammit. HOW THE HELL DID WE ONLY HIT 4 OF OUR FIRST 26 SHOTS IN THE SECOND HALF? AND WHY DIDN’T WE CALL A TIMEOUT?

“They say he’s from Omaha, but really he’s from South Sudan. You ever been to Sudan?”

NCAA Basketball: Maui Invitational-Oregon at Georgetown Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Akoy Agau played well. He chipped in with a casual four points, three rebounds and three blocks in 22 minutes. Even took a charge. With Jessie in foul trouble, we needed Akoy to fill the void, and he did.

“You gotta come to work every day, every possession. It never stops.”

“Gotta get to work.”

Put this quote in the damn locker room and read it 1700 times a day. Come to play, and bring it every possession. Or just tell us not to watch.

“It took them 18 seconds to get the ball past half court.”

What? You turn it over in 10 seconds. (I mean, yes, we can’t break the press, but what are you talking about, Bill?)

A two act play:

Act I

“Maybe that will be the spark that lights the volcano.”

[L.J. Peak hits a critical shot to put us up six points with ten minutes to go.]

Act II

“One of the worst shot attempts in Hoya history.”

[Literally 90 seconds later, when L.J. Peak shoots a three shortly after Oregon takes its first and only lead with 8:30 to go in the second half.]

“If they don’t win this game, they will forever look at themselves in the mirror with shame, disappointment and embarrassment.”

Yeah, we know, Bill. It’s already happened to our guys twice this year.

“This is the history and the future.”

WHAT THE F*CK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

SwordOfBrunner note - I know:

“They call that a foul. I’m embarrassed for the sport. I’m embarrassed for humanity.”

[Rodney Pryor picks up a ticky-tack foul with six minutes to go in a nail-biter.]

Chill out, Bill. There are plenty of reasons to be embarrassed for humanity. That’s not one of them.

“I love rainbows, I love waterfalls. I love volcanoes. We’re seein’ it all right here!”

I bet you are, Bill. I bet you are.

“Ah, blowholes. What could be better?”

Umm, a Georgetown win against the Badgers in Maui? Please?

Let’s go Hoyas. Beat Wisconsin.