Today’s the day that your Georgetown Hoyas to finally turn their season around in what should be a tight, intense matchup against the Wisconsin Badgers. Many fans will likely be making the trip to Madison Square Garden to watch the game, and if Tuesday’s performance against Maryland was any indication, there’s reason to be optimistic and excited. So why not express your excitement through the art of heckling? While it may offend the Badgers’ Midwestern proclivity for niceties, we can do our best to keep it civil. So please, heckle responsibly. With that in mind, here’s your heckler’s guide to the Wisconsin Badgers.
Instead of focusing on inane, year-old Twitter comments as the first two articles have, let’s take a broader look at our opponents and the state they represent. The state of Wisconsin has produced some wonderful things, including Harley-Davidson motorcycles, Chris Farley, the Violent Femmes, and many delicious cheeses. But keep in mind that the state has a dark side, having sent the world the awfulness of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, anti-Communist witch hunter Joseph McCarthy, and Miller Lite. ("Great Taste, Less Filling?" More like "Bad Taste, More Filling!")
The University of Wisconsin itself is located on an isthmus (and since most of you probably SFS’ers who took Map of the Modern World, I don’t have to explain that), and noted alums include Frank Lloyd Wright, Joan Cusack, and the guy who invented SpaghettiO’s. So tell the Badgers about how you prefer Brutalist architecture, that John is the better Cusack, and that Chef Boyardee was your childhood spaghetti of choice.
So now onto the team itself. First, the coach, Bo Ryan. The two things you should know about him are that CBS Sports college basketball writer Jon Rothstein has a tendency to tweet out "Death. Taxes. Bo Ryan" about the Badgers’ coach’s consistency, and that he kind of looks like the Grinch. If anyone can do the deep voice and sing "You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," that might be a good way to get the crowd into some early holiday spirit. He's as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel,
And some players as well:
Nigel Hayes- #10- The team’s best returning scorer and rebounder, having put up 12.4 points and 6.2 rebounds per game last season, Hayes has an admittedly hilarious penchant for stenographers. But come on, there can only be one Hayes who rules the court, and he's ours! And for younger fans around my age, hearing the name Nigel automatically harkens back to the days of "The Wild Thornberrys," which for you adults who do not know, was a cartoon on Nickelodeon in the late 1990's/early 2000's that, oddly enough, featured Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers voicing a feral boy who had been raised by monkeys.
Bronson Koenig- #24- Koenig has 19 points per game in his first three games this season and has shot 45% from downtown after shooting just over 40% from behind the arc last year. While not partaking in the wacky antics of his teammate Nigel Hayes, Koenig does have no mercy for and a possible fear of spiders.
Brevin Pritzl- #1- The freshman guard has played only four minutes thus far, but his name is incredibly appetizing. Should make you feel like Homer Simpson when he sees something delicious.
Khalil Iverson- #21- At least he doesn’t wear #3. The freshman swingman has averaged 4.7 points and 4.0 rebounds per game receiving regular rotation minutes for the Badgers. Because of his name, you may want to talk to him about practice.
Jackson Bax- #13- The freshman guard registered a "trillion" in the box score in one game this season, playing one minute and not accumulating any other stats. Also, his name is reminiscent of Key & Peele’s East-West Bowl player Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon as well as the Benny Hill chase song, which is formally called Yakety Sax. Speaking of, enjoy this video of llamas on the loose set to Yakety Sax.
Anything else worthwhile that I missed about America’s Dairyland and the Badgers? Does some inane Badgers player’s Twitter feed deserve to be laughed at? Is there a player who bears decent resemblance to some celebrity that could be pointed out? Or do you just hate pilsners, brats, and/or cheese? Add your own two cents in the comments!