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This Week In Hate: Jersey Shore, Hung, Acting, Music, Life

One day.  One day away from life beginning anew.  Tomorrow my life will be full of joy.  No longer will Sportscenter be filled with useless baseball highlights.  Tomorrow the NFL begins.  But for today, I am full of rage and hate and all that is wrong with the world.

If there is one thing we've learned here at THE GLOBAL PHENOMENON in the past month, it's that people love lunch and people love HATE.  Pure, unadulterated hate.  Let it bubble inside you, let it sit there for hours, days, months, even years.  Then let it explode on this blog.  Hit your keyboard with all your might.  Let it pour out of you. 

In the words of the great Gale Sayers:

I love Brian Piccolo hate.  And I'd like all of you to love him hate too.  And tonight, you hit your knees, please ask God to love him hate.

So much hate after The Jump.  So much hate.

It pains me to say this, and trust me, I have fought it.  But these posts are about honesty.  Hateful, hateful honesty.  And I hate "Jersey Shore".  I know, for a show that was so important to this blog and all of America, it feels wrong to turn on it.  I don't blame the characters, not even Ronnie and Sammi.  I blame MTV.  Why the producers of that show would think anyone would be interested in Ronnie and Sammi's melodrama instead of focusing on The Situation and Pauly D is beyond me.  Every episode I think to myself "I've seen this relationship nonsense before" and then I wrack my brain for 4 seconds and go "Oh yeah, I remember.  IT REMINDS ME OF 7TH GRADE."  For the love of all that is powerful, I am begging you MTV, stop showing Ronnie and Sammi.  The show did not become a cultural phenomenon because of those two morons.  It was awesome because of the guys chasing girls, because of JWoww's steroid addiction, and because of Snooki stumbling around like a drunk oompa loompa.  It was awesome because these people acted like Jersey trash, and it was all on film.  These people play caricatures.  The Situation gets it more than MTV does - he's about to make $5 million this year on the character he created.  MTV somehow took comedic gold and turned it into trash.  Vinny and Snooki slept together two episodes ago and it barely got screen time.  I feel like hearing what Vinny thought about Snooki would be interesting to the viewer.  What did Snooki look like naked?  Were pickles her post-coital version of cigarettes?  Did he feel like he was sleeping with Verne Troyer?  Was he roofied?  Was this what he envisioned for ladies when he came to Miami as a quasi-celebrity?  How would he explain it to his family and friends at home?  Did he wish he were never born?  I am brimming with questions, NONE OF WHICH HAVE BEEN ANSWERED, because MTV is too busy filming Ronnie getting his period for the third time this week.

Speaking of good ideas turned awful, does anyone else watch Hung?  A quick plot summary - down on his luck former jock decides to become a gigolo to make money, hilarity is supposed to ensue.  That show, on HBO, should be a hit.  Yet, Hung is one of the least watchable TV shows I have ever seen.  I tried to get to the bottom of it.  Is it the weird children?  Is it the wife?  Is it Thomas Jane?  No, it's none of their faults.  It is the pimp's fault.  Not because she is a bad actress, or because her plotlines are boring.  It is because she is hideously ugly, with a face made for radio.  I apologize if anyone who reads this knows her (I refuse to IMDB or Google her name) or is related to her.  But I just can't take it.  I understand she shouldn't be really attractive because it would throw off the pimp-gigolo relationship.  But as a producer, you can't put a person on screen that makes me cringe every time I see her.  I see a horrendously ugly person every time I look in the mirror, I don't need to see it on Sunday nights on my TV.

Nothing annoys me more than pretentious douche actors.  This is by no means an attack on HoyaJoker07, who I saw in many plays during his time at Georgetown and happens to be a phenomenal actor.  This is geared towards the actor-type that speaks in vague and arrogant sentences at all times.  A recent example that sparked my hatred was an interview with Robert Downey Jr. in Rolling Stone.  When describing his current state of mind, he explained that he is in "the continual process of transcending fear-based rituals."  OOOH ROBERT THAT IS SO DEEP.  I have no idea what that means, and neither does he.  I understand that he is a very good actor and I enjoy his films.  I also understand that he didn't go to college so maybe he should stop trying to talk over everyone's heads.  I'd say 60% of the actors I come in contact with talk like Downey does.  They act as if acting is akin to splitting the atom.  IT ISN'T THAT COMPLEX.  I had the role of Waiter #4 in my eighth grade class' version of "Hello Dolly", yet you don't see me walking around thinking I'm better than everyone else.  Go sit on a rusty nail, all of you.

If I am going to attack actors, I'd be shortsighted not to direct some hatred towards their evil step-brothers of douche - The Music Douche.  We all have a Music Douche friend.  "Oh bro, you like that Jay-Z song?  He's nothing compared to Grandmaster Flash and KRS-One."  That guy.  The guy that loves music so much that he knows all the great music that mass media is too "commercial" to understand.  Music is a personal experience, what you like isn't necessarily what I am going to like.  It doesn't mean you like better music because you know the difference between a D Sharp and a B Flat.  I also love when you tell The Music Douche you like [insert artist's new album] and he responds "Oh bro, that stuff is so poppy and sellout compared to his earlier stuff."  Listen up and listen clear.  If an artist becomes popular for a particular album, 9 times out of 10, it is because that is his best album.  Becoming "popular" isn't code for "selling out" because your musical dreams have been dashed.  It is because that person made it and you didn't.  It's as simple as that.  Now let me listen to my Justin Bieber in peace.