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Casual Communication: The Duke Edition

Tell me GRENADE WEEK hasn't been a blast (get it?!) here at the GLOBAL PHENOMENON that is Casual Hoya.  We started the day talking to those pansies from Duke and we're taking you into the weekend with an all Duke edition of Casual Communication.  Next week we're back to answering questions about Jersey Shore and normal topics, so get your questions into 

Duke is known for having more than its share of unbearable douche bags play for their putrid program. Thomas Hill for example... Has he stopped crying yet after the Laettner Kentucky buzzer beater?  I know it's nearly an impossible task, but can you rate the Top 10 douche bags ever to play for Duke? - Greg, Connecticut

It'd be my pleasure, we'll do it in reverse order.

10.  Josh McRoberts



I really hated McRoberts.  What's great about him is that he's probably as hated in Durham as he is with other fan bases.  He was ranked the #2 by Rivals coming out of high school, spent two unsuccessful years at Duke, averaging 10.9 points, and played his way from projected lottery pick to fringe second rounder.  His pudgy face was plastered all over my TV screen for two years and it was just painful having to hear Dick Vitale make excuses for him instead of calling him what he really was - a fat, lazy excuse for a Division I basketball player.  You can catch him at the end of the bench for the Indiana Pacers these days.

Duke douche bags list continues after 'The Jump':

9.  Jay Williams

Not so much for his actions on the court, but for completely messing up his professional career by being a douche bag driving a motorcycle without a helmet and breaking his entire lower half.  Williams was unbelievable at Duke, fans and haters alike can agree he was a can't miss pro prospect.  He had a solid rookie year for the Chicago Bulls, then in his first offseason, he drove his motorcycle RIGHT INTO A POLE.  Now he's a smarmy college basketball analyst with a doofy grin and a bit of a lisp.  Way to go!

8.  Greg Paulus



Paulus would have ranked higher on this last had it been during his sophomore or junior year, but his career ended so pathetically I actually felt bad for him.  He toiled on the bench while Nolan Smith, not even a true point guard, took his starting spot.  Then he spent a season getting his ass kicked as the quarterback of the 4-8 Syracuse Orange.  I assume his next move will be joining Coach K on the bench at Duke as a graduate assistant, and then I'll go back to hating the ever-living crap out of him.

7.  Shelden Williams



I hate him for one reason, and one reason only.  How did he land Candace Parker?  What is he doing in his life that is so much better than me?  I mean look at him again.  Now look at her.  What the hell?  They had a kid too, that kid is either going to be gorgeous or the ugliest circus freak alive.  There is no in between.

6.  Shane Battier



You want to talk quintessential Duke douche?  Shane Battier.  Granted, he's not a goofy white point guard, but what a smug bastard.  Between his use of words like archaic during interviews and those weird grates on his head, he was insufferable.  Also, how pissed is he that Reggie Love is Barack Obama's right hand man instead of him?  If there was ever a position for Shane Battier, it's Reggie Love's job.

5.  Kyle Singler



This may be a bit high for most of you out there, but I really dislike Singler.  He's completely overrated, very scary looking, and plays like a 5'10" gunner stuck in a 6'10" man's body.  He camps out at the three point line, feels that there is no need to develop a post game, and somehow he's still considered an All American.

4.  Cherokee Parks







Pretty self explanatory right?

3.  JJ Redick

Has all the qualities of a Duke douche.  He's white, Dick Vitale wanted to sleep with him at some point, has sucked in the NBA, has gotten arrested, writes poetry, wants to be a rapper, and cried in his last college game.  Only thing that is holding him back from being #2 or #1 is that his 41 point performance against Georgetown in 2006 was the most impressive display of shooting I've ever seen.  He was right out of a Dave Hopla video that day.

2.  Christian Laettner



He's a little bit before my time, considering he hit his buzzer beater against Kentucky when I was only 6 years old.  But like Redick, he has all the components of quintessential douche, with bonus points added for being known as a huge dickhead by teammates and opponents alike.  Also, he was on the original Dream Team.  The roster was Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Patrick Ewing, David Robinson, John Stockton, Scottie Pippen, Karl Malone, Charles Barkley, Clyde Drexler, Chris Mullin and Christian Laettner.  What a joke.

1.  Steve Wojciechowski



Of all the douches to put on the Duke uniform, Wojo reigns king.  He was loved by commentators, hated by opponents, and here's the real kicker - he wasn't good at basketball.  All of these guys, at one time or another, were pretty awesome at basketball.  Wojo never was.  Somehow he won Defensive Player of the Year in 1998.  Sure, the 6'0" slow white point guard from Duke was the best defender in the country.  I definitely buy that.  Paul Pierce shut down Kobe Bryant in the 2008 NBA Finals, he was in college then.  Do you think Wojo would shut down Kobe Bryant?  How many points would Kobe score on Wojo in a game?   What would Allen Iverson have put up on Wojo had they ever came across one another in college?  600 points?  Does a scoreboard go that high?

Every year I have high expectations for Duke in the tournament and every year they go down faster than J Woww on a gorilla. What's the deal? - Hayley, Florida

Nice Jersey Shore reference.  You knew we couldn't go through a Casual Communication without it.  Here's the thing Hayley, Duke is an overrated ESPN-created monster that peaked as a program 10 years ago.  They haven't been past the Sweet 16 since 2004, although this year looks like their best chance in a while.  Coach K has missed on some great big men (Greg Monroe), has been hurt by early defections (Luol Deng) and high schoolers skipping college (Shaun Livingston).  Until Duke finds another good big man, they will be a more written about version of Butler or another mid-major.  When they are hitting threes they are good, but they can't manufacture points from the free throw line.

You have unrealistic expectations from Duke because the ACC hasn't been as strong the last few years as well.  UNC has been great, winning two national championships in the last five years, but Maryland has fallen off, Georgia Tech couldn't capitalize on a Final Four appearance in 2004 and NC State and Wake Forest can't seem to make the proverbial leap.  Yet, the media (ESPN), still treats the ACC like it is 2001, so Duke always gets a higher seed in the tournament than they deserve.

Is there any way you can find out of JJ Redick will be available to come to my class and read his poetry sometime?  I think my kids need to understand what an absolute ninny he is before they start to drink the "Everyone Loves Duke" kool-aid that ESPN feeds them each night. - C. Dickens, England

Here's an excerpt from JJ's poetry collection, from July 15, 2004:

No bandage can cover my scars
It's hard living a life behind invisible bars
Searching for the face of God
I'm only inspired by the poems of Nas
Because the truth has carved my life's patterns
The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter
My hopes and dreams shattered
by the miscalculation of my own situation
It's difficult to keep my nerves patient
Facing the forecast of fears
that none of my peers have ever been faced with
I wanna reach the top floor, but I'm stuck in the basement
With not enough juice to burst through
the chains that have shackled my brain
It seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peace
apart from reality
Society is allowing me to grow into the man I'm destined to become
But how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?
Numb from the obstacles that I've been given
Suddenly the bars connect to walls
and I find myself contained inside life's prison

Holy hell, you Eminem wannabe.  Your live your life behind invisible bars?  What about being a basketball player at Duke is like being in jail, besides the Coach K 'closed-door meetings'?  Well yeah, I guess that would be miserable.  You're only inspired by the poems of Nas?  Hahaha, this whole poem reads like a 14-year-old girl wrote it.  None of your peers have ever faced what you are going through?  Good God man, get a grip, there are like 3,600 Division I basketball players every year, and that has been going on for 80ish years.  I assume someone in that time probably went through some of your struggles.  Let me guess, your favorite Beyonce song is Me, Myself and I. 

I can't take anymore, if you want a full taste of JJ's poetry, click here.

How awful must the ACC be if a worthless player like Nikita Mescheriakov transferred into the conference? Is it any surprise that Duke cannot do any better than the second round of the NCAA Tournament? - Puffy, Panama City

As I explained to Hayley before, the ACC is really bad.  I didn't expect a team in college basketball to take Nikita as a transfer.  I assumed he was going back to Belarus to work on the family farm and never touch a basketball again.  The ACC is now worse than the Big East, Big 12, Big 10, SEC, Conference USA, WAC, MAAC, CAA, Ivy League, and WCC but still ahead of the Pac 10.  The Pac 10 really, really sucks.  Hey Wake Forest, enjoy watching this kind of defense.  Over and over and over.



Coming to an ACC arena near you!

My friend and I are attending the Dook game and were discussing the possibility of making a sign to show our true feelings about the opposing team. I'm not very creative and my buddy thinks we should go old school on the sign and say something like "JJ Reddick has backne." If you were cool enough to hold up a sign at the Dook game, what would you say? - Doug, DC

I wouldn't go at JJ Redick, just because it has been a full four years since he was last in college, and probably six since he sported nasty enough backne that he had to wear an undershirt.  I'd say the top five signs I'd like to see at the game goes like this (instructions in parentheses):

5.  Mason and Miles Plumlee's Mom Drank When She Was Pregnant With Them (Have a picture of  vodka)
4.  Coach K Looks Like Master Splinter (Have pictures of both)
3.  Kyle Singler:  Ginger or Albino? (Use the picture from above)
2.  Jon Scheyer:  Not A Good Enough White Guy to Hate
1.  Remember Last Time? (Picture of Roy Hibbert in the crowd after January 21, 2006 game)