State of the Union Address:
Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Please, be seated.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, distinguished guests. My fellow Hoyas, I am proud and humbled to report today that the state of our union is strong. Our proud history stands as a beacon, a shining guide to the victory and glory that lies ahead of us.
We are all proud of our Hoyas and let us never forget the success we have achieved. Despite a near collapse of the entire college conference system, brought on by the misguided policies of the previous administration, our Hoyas are one of only a handful of schools to place a team in the Top Ten each of the last four years.
And to those who focus on the missteps and disappointments of the last four years - I say we are headed in the right direction, we have dug out of a deep hole and now is not the time to return to the policies and programs of the Esherick era. We have come too far together to turn back now.
First and foremost let us salute our players. We all know how hard the road to success can be. It is not easy to come to Washington DC, and immediately adjust to playing in the modified Princeton offense. But it is hard to argue with the success achieved by our team since I stood before you 12 short months ago.
These achievements are a testament to the courage, selflessness, and teamwork of the Hoyas. At a time when too many of our institutions have let us down, they exceed all expectations. They're not consumed with personal ambition. They don't obsess over their differences. They focus on the mission at hand. They work together.
My fellow Hoyas, even with the great progress of the last year, none of us are satisfied today with where we are and we face serious challenges ahead. I know many of you are still hurting, stung by the shocking defeat at the hands of NC State, disheartened by losing recruit after recruit to a corrupt world of one and done lobbyist/recruiters But let us not forget the investments that we are making today will bring us glory tomorrow. So let me take a moment to lay out our plan for the next four years.
Earlier today I participated the in the groundbreaking of the Allen Iverson Hoya Practice Center. Iverson's commitment to practice and his perseverance in raising the money to build the facility was nothing short of heroic. Future Hoya stars will now be able to play pickup games at will and not have to call "next" waiting for Dental students trying to get to 15. They will be introduced to a new and novel concept - weights and strength training and a strength coach who doesn't quit every six months due to a lack of, well, weights. Finally they will be entertained nightly by the return of fan favorite, Omar "Vanilla Ice" Wattad, who has agreed to return to Georgetown as the first Distinguished DJ of the Iverson practice facility.
We have also made critical investments in infrastructure. The ability to deliver cold beer to your seats seemed technically impossible just 12 short months ago. But today we know that far off dream has become a sweet reality. As I said from this podium not one year ago - if we can put a man on the moon, we can deliver beer to your seats.
Now we must make sure that cold beer can be served at reasonable prices. Given the hard economic times, how can we in good conscience ask our cash strapped students and recent alumni to pay $8 for a cold beverage. I say we can do better. Today I propose a new program that will deliver beer to current students for free. Our right to cold beer at a reasonable price is not a privilege -it is part of the promise made to us by our nations founders.
In addition, recent graduates, who are suffocating under the enormous weight of student loans, will also be eligible for cold beer at reduced prices. Now you ask - how are we going to pay for this? We will simply ask the well off, people like myself, to pay a little bit more. I know my friends sitting in the lower sections at center court are both willing and able to pay a little bit more. And I predict my program of free beer for students will show to be a great investment in our overall effort to get students to actually get their Asses in those seats for a change. (Those with a trust fund or any money held in the Cayman Islands will be required to pay full price).
On the difficult issue of affirmative action, I will not shy away from my support. The lack of male cheerleaders at our school is a source of deep shame and embarrassment. We all know that male cheerleaders have been discriminated against throughout our history. And while I currently don't support formal reparations, I know we have to do more for young men around the country who dream of cheering for the Hoyas as they drift off to sleep each night.
To that end, I'm proud to announce that Karl Rove has agreed to agree $300 million for the Georgetown male cheerleader program. Karl is up in the balcony with the first lady, Karl please stand up. Karl told me earlier today that he recently raised $300 million and raising money for cheerleading couldn't be any more useless than his last effort.
I can't stand here today and pretend we don't have enemies. The axis of evil - ESPN, Football and two time felon John Calipari are clever and devious adversaries, We do stand today at the brink of the "conference cliff", staring into the abyss of an uncertain future.
With respect to ESPN today we start playing hardball. I call on all members of Hoya nation to, from this moment, boycott watching every edition of World's Strongest Man Competition. While that will involve personal sacrifice, trust me when I say it will bring the evil overlords at ESPN to their knees.
On the scourge of football, I say we double down on a real basketball conference. Does America's productivity deeply dip during the playing of the Rose Bowl, the Sugar Bowl, the Meinike who gives a fuck bowl - I think not. It's March Madness that shaves nearly 1% of GDP every year. We have the best franchise. Screw college football, let's put together an elite basketball conference and we'll see you at the Final Four.
On the topic of Calipari, today I'm announcing retroactive penalties for repeat offenders. We're calling our program 2 strikes and you're out. As of tomorrow, prisoner 384882812, John Calipari, will be coaching from Big House not the Big Dance. In addition, today I'm announcing new penalties for any recruit who announces his college choice in a bizarre local press conference and making shaving any logos into one's head subject to mandatory minimum sentences.
Finally, let me take a moment to honor the members of the fourth estate - the young men and women who bring you the inside story of Hoya basketball night after night leaving no stone unturned and no cow in a sacred state. Tonight, we salute you, HoyaTalk.
We have come a long way but we have difficult journey ahead. I'm tempted to quote John Kennedy or Winston Churchill to conclude this state of the union address. But tonight I'll quote an even higher authority in urging everyone in Hoya Nation to Stay Casual.
Thank you - Good Night - and God Bless the Hoyas.