Now that the Syracuse debacle is behind us, it is time to continue on with Grenade Week, as we gear up for Blue Devils of Duke.
Good coaches win. Great coaches win often. But legendary coaches leave behind wisdom and lessons for their successors and future generations of coaches. Mike Krzyzewski, hopelessly stuck in the second category has been trying to make the jump to legendary status for some time now. He has tried writing, but failed numerous times as an author, as his books are absolute garbage.
So I have decided to generously lend Coach K a helping hand, as he is obviously too busy to reflect on his 28-year career and put intelligent and coherent thoughts to paper. I wanted to make an instructional video, but unfortunately the geniuses behind Tom Emanksi's Videos were unreachable and Fred McGriff was unable to fully endorse the product. So I decided, in tribute to Nikita, to make a picture/video montage.
I poured through hundreds of hours of Duke games to narrow down the Coach K method into four simple and easily attainable actions.
A simple but proven method displayed by all Coach K teams, flopping is defined as an exaggerated, voluntary and self-induced loss of body control staged to draw the sympathy and whistle of referees. No matter the team, opponent or arena, flopping is the number one attribute of all players under Coach K and something he preaches often. Here is an overheard conversation between Coach K and a player:
Coach K: Make sure to flop to draw charge next time on defense.
Player: But Coach, I am an McDonald's All-American guard and have waited three years to finally see playing time. Why wouldn't I just use my athletic abilities to play hard-nosed defense?
Coach K: Why don't you ask William Avery, Daniel Ewing, Dahntay Jones, DeMarcus Nelson, Johnny Dawkins, JJ Redick, and Trajan Langdon why flopping is important? They all made it big in the pros.
Player: Umm, Coach, those players you mentioned aren't very good. None of your guards have ever lived up to their expectations. Actually, the only good professional players you produce are forwards who go hopelessly unnoticed in your slimy, whistle drawing offense.
Coach K: Looks like it'll be one more year in the kennel with Wojo and Collins for you.
FEARLESS Guard Greg Paulus
FEARLESS Assistant Chris Collins
FEARLESS Sharp Shooter J.J. Redick
FEARLESS Leader Coach K
#2 Ass Grabbing
Don't ever be afraid to remind the referee that you are willing to do anything and everything required to cheat your way to another victory. A solid squeeze of a cheek is just the trick. It will give said referee a warm rush of blood to the head, resulting in redness of the cheeks, teary eyes and endless devotion. Bonus points if you do it while your team is on offense, a tender yet firm grab of the backside can also elicit a sudden and sharp exhalation, resulting in the whistle being blown.
#3 Rat Rage
Times are changing. It is not enough to just be angry and furious all the time, you also need to take the form of an animal, preferably a disgusting, disease-filled rodent. The effect is two-fold, you look ridiculous and make people feel bad for you. I mean come on, when you look like Count Chocula, sometimes you need to do everything in your power to look more intimidating.
When all else fails, don't afraid to get emotional. Tears show your tender side, and that you really do care. It shows that despite your attempts to fake, grab and grotesquely and awkwardly intimidate your way to a cheap victory, it still hurts when you lose. Tears also help to wash away the dirt from your face you might have accumulated while flopping to the ground so very often.
If the Water Isn't Flowing, Try the Towel Method
Well there you have it sports nuts, the four keys to becoming a legend like Coach Mike Krzyzewski. #1 Flopping, #2 Ass Grabbing, #3 Raging Rat and #4 Tears. The FART system is a tried and proven method for getting results and losing respect.
Next on Coach K's agenda is the self-help book entitled: How to Cheat, Get Caught and Get Away With It: Lessons from the Corey Maggette Saga.