How do you say "Crooked" in Chinese?

by lordnick on May 28, 2009 8:49 AM EDT in Random Ramblings Comment 20 comments

I know, this is not a Memphis blog, but since it's late May and The Hoyas aren't currently under NCAA investigation, we need to find something else to fill the time. Not that I want to rehash the details of what Calipari did or did not do to help Derrick Rose pass entrance exams for "The Derrick Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too." And breaking travel rules? Anybody who accepts money to travel to a Conference-USA away game has been punished enough.

No. I want to cite just TWO SENTENCES in the ESPN story about the investigation. These are the sentences:

Calipari is expected to talk to the NCAA before Tuesday when he leaves for China, Kentucky representative DeWayne Peevy said. A year ago, Calipari led a collection of Conference USA all-stars to China to exchange basketball ideas.

Is that not the most hilarious thing you have ever read? The mind reels. What fascinating ideas could a bunch of C-USA thugs share with our Communist friends from the East? How to miss free throws and blow a national championship? And what would the Chinese tell Calipari? How to augment a recruiting budget by making knock-off Yao Ming jerseys? I'm going to go dunk my head in a bucket of ice water and start filling up the comments with hilarity.

0 recs | Comment 20 comments | Share

Story-email Email Printer Print

Comments

These will write themselves:

(joined in progress)
Calipari: And that’s how I palm a $100 bill when shaking hands with a recruit’s father.
(applause)
Noble Chinaman: Oh, thank you so much great American basketball coach. You are so very wise.
Capilari: No shit. Now let me tell you the type of paper bag Marcus Camby used to get payoffs from sports agents…

by lordnick on May 28, 2009 8:54 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Chinese Idea Exchange Agenda

9am- Breakfast. Guest Speaker Jim Calhoun on “Coaching Through Pneumonia; A coach’s perspective on player motivation from the hospital.”
10:30- Site Visit. A trip to the Chaoudong child labor camp to see how Tulane Green Wave baseball hats are made.
Noon- Lunch. Guest Speaker Yang Xia Peng, head basketball coach for the People’s October Revolution College #324’s Fighting Maoists on motivation in a totalitarian state: “There is no Carrot. Only Stick.”
2:30- Film Room. “Shooting Free Throws the Memphis Way.”
2:31- Break. Why not get to know your other conference attendees with a game of H.O.R.S.E. in the lobby?
4pm- Weight Room. Chris Douglas-Roberts shows you how his tatoos move when the flexes.
6:30- Dinner. Keynote Speaker John Calipari on winning: “I’ve had more Final Fours vacated by the NCAA than most coaches will ever get!”
9pm- Nightlife the St. Johns way: “How to tell if a stripper is a prostitute.”

by lordnick on May 28, 2009 9:27 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious

This is by far the funniest thing you’ve ever written, so the obvious question is: Who ghost-wrote this for you?

I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

by HoyaGoon on May 29, 2009 1:34 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

How Not to Make Friends

Calipari has had or still has a feud with:

Jim Calhoun
John Chaney
Mike Jarvis
Phil Martelli
Rick Pitino

Good talk.

by Hire Esherick on May 28, 2009 9:45 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Funny Train

I don’t want to derail the funny train with my childish questions, but here goes:

“Coach John Calipari has received a letter from the NCAA stating that he is not at risk of being charged with any NCAA violations in this case.”

“A source within the Memphis program told ESPN.com “the current team will 100 percent not be penalized.’’ The source does not expect a reduction in scholarships.”

Sooo, if Calipari has his letter stating he is safe and the current Memphis team will not be penalized, then where does the fault lie? Memphis vacates their wins and FF appearance and some poor Memphis Academic Advisor (I laughed just writing that!) takes the fall after simply following orders?!?!?

Calipari is going to snake out of sanctions the EXACT same way that he did @ UMASS!

Kelvin Sampson applauds your effort, Coach Cal!

Blip

by JahidiLikesPie on May 28, 2009 9:52 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Major Violations

Here is the letter sent to Memphis in January.

Page 4 references that they are major violations, which leads me to believe that the source inside Memphis who said those things about not being penalized is just doing damage control.

I think it goes one of two ways:
(1) NCAA can’t prove Memphis knew about cheating, they forfeit every game in 2007-08 for playing with an ineligible player and that is it.
(2) NCAA proves Memphis knew about the cheating, they are severely punished.

To go back to your Cal and UMass comparison: Cal and the school were never proactively punished because a link between the school the agents giving money to Camby was never solidified. But then look at Michigan were a link between the school, Coach Fisher and the booster were all uncovered. Michigan is just now beginning to recover from that mess (granted that scandal was over a greater period of time than the Camby payment).

Good talk.

by Hire Esherick on May 28, 2009 10:03 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Kelvin Sampson...

STILL approves and Eddie Sutton welcomes you to the UK family!

Blip

by JahidiLikesPie on May 28, 2009 10:07 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Improving that winning %

Georgetown now has two wins via forfeit against Calipari.

Good talk.

by Hire Esherick on May 28, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Translation

Apparently the word ‘crooked’ looks something like this in Chinese:

弯曲

Now the world knows what Marcus Camby has tattooed on his arm.

Casually.

by CasualHoya on May 28, 2009 10:11 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Day 2 Chinese Idea Exchange Agenda
9:30am- Breakfast on your own or with Russian hooker you met at hotel bar last night
11am- Guest Speaker. Craig Esherick: “Winning by Losing; how to turn a head coaching debacle into a cushy TV gig and George Mason job.”
Noon- Lunch. Motivational Speaker John Calipari: “You can vacate my wins, but you’ll never vacate my dignity!”
2pm- Financial Advice. Tips for the aspiring baller: Where should I put $28,000 in cash from sports agents? How best to hide $2,600 in travel expenses?
4pm- Guest Speaker. Yao Ming: “I am eight feet tall in a country of midgets. WTF?”
7:30- Closing Dinner. Very Special Guest Speaker John Calipari on Lessons Learned: “Regrets, I’ve had a few, or what I’ve learned from my prior NCAA sanctions to ensure I won’t get caught at Kentucky.”

by lordnick on May 28, 2009 10:23 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Play Time

Calipari instructs other coaches on how to leave a burning bag of shit outside of your former Athletic Director’s house without having shit get on your shoes and follow you to your new gig.

Calipari explains that this act is a metaphor for his coaching career.

Good talk.

by Hire Esherick on May 28, 2009 10:29 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

lordnick

Please stop it with the racist banter. To wit::

“Country of midgets” – Seriously? Really? Do you also move your mouth inordinately fast while mouthing “Look! It’s Godzilla!”

“Chinaman” – That is not the preferred nomenclature.

At any rate, please shut up. You are being grossly offensive.

by WWJWallD on May 28, 2009 2:00 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Now With More Racist Banter!

Noble Chinaman: WWJWallD has no sense of humor.
Calipari: Shut up, shorty!
(applause)

by lordnick on May 28, 2009 4:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

lordnick

Maybe you are right, and I just didn’t get the alleged humor. But let’s objectively determine whether you were being funny, or if you just totally revealed how innately racist you are. Howzabout you post your real name, and I go to Yahoo Questions or some similar venue, post your real name with your comments, and ask an objective audience whether they think (insert lordnick’s real name here)’s comment are humorous or if they show that he is a racist. Sound good? Cool beans.

by WWJWallD on May 28, 2009 6:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Cool beans

I thought Godzilla terrorized Japan and not the communist midgets in China?

WWJWallD has got me all confused.

Casually.

by CasualHoya on May 28, 2009 6:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Totally casually

Last post on this. Ever. Leaving work, and well, it’s pretty apparent there isn’t much more to say.

That’s the typical tre-coolier-than-thou response I expected from you, Casual. Thanks for reinforcing my point that peeps like lordnick (and perhaps you) think all Asian people look the same and come from the same laundromat. You totally got a rise out of me while at the same time being too cool for school. Mission Casually accomplished!

If you use the derogatory term “Chinaman,” I guess its funny as long as you use it Casually. Same as if you with call a black person a n******. Casually. I invite you to Casually call the next black man you meet a Noble N****. He’ll probably find it hilarious. Or Casually post about Greg Monroe, and how that n***** has mad skills. Uproarious!

Alright, I’m out. Casually.

by WWJWallD on May 28, 2009 7:50 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Memphis' 5th Dimension

This is the dawning of The Age of Latavious
The Age of Latavious
Latavious!
Latavious!

Harmony and Understanding
Principle and Trust Abounding
Latavious!

Casually.

by CasualHoya on May 29, 2009 1:16 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Is this a joke?

WWJWallD – try to keep it casual – your examples are nearly as funny as Lordnick’s posts.

To quote Swingers, “Perhaps you’d be more comfortable at one of our lower stakes tables.”

Documented

by itsallthatmatters on May 29, 2009 11:16 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

WWJWallD

The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can’t go give him a bill, so what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak: What the f*** are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

The Dude: Walter, this isn’t a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy…

Walter Sobchak: What the f*** are you…?

The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug!

Donny: He peed on the Dude’s rug.

Walter Sobchak: Donny you’re out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

In other words, lighten up, Francis!

Blip

by JahidiLikesPie on May 29, 2009 1:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs